THE CARBOOT

6am

Nanny Pam and me are loading the car full of stuff for a car boot that we’re doing at The Unicorn Club car park this morning. I ask where all of the stuff came from, and Nanny Pam says, ‘it’s your Grandad’s dodgy old crap’.

8am

The car is so full that I have to sit where people’s feet usually are, and Nanny Pam has to tell me to duck whenever she thinks she sees a policeman.

I’m sat next to a Roses tin full of PG Tip Chimpanzie cards. I tell Nanny Pam they might be worth something one day, and she tells me that I’ve been listening to Grandad too much.

On the way, Nanny Pam asks me if Grandad’s new wife can drive. I tell her that she can, but that she always has pink lipstick on her teeth.

9am

We set up our stall; I put out all of Grandad’s things and wonder if he’d be sad, if he knew that Nanny Pam is selling them. A lady asks me ‘How much for the African Masks’ Nanny Pam says she can have them for free, because they might be cursed.

10am

An old man comes up to our stall and asks Nanny Pam, ‘How much for you, sweetheart?’ Nanny Pam says, ‘I’m priceless love ’. When the man walks off, Nanny Pam tells me that he’s just a ‘harmless perv’. I say, ‘I hate him’. Nanny Pam laughs, but I mean it.

12pm

We have our Pot Noodles and share a Kit Kat for lunch. Nanny Pam gives me £2 to spend while she looks after the stall. I buy a pig, because I’ve started collecting them; this one is a biscuit jar that has a dirty bib on saying, ‘Greedy Fat Pig’. When I come back, I ask Nanny Pam how much she wants for the Chimpanzee cards, and she gives me them for free.

Nanny Pam goes off and comes back with something called a Lazy Susan, and some Tarot Cards.

4pm

We’re having a chippy tea to celebrate all our hard work; we use the Lazy Susan to pass each other the curry sauce. After we’ve put the bags in the bin, I ask Nanny Pam if she can read my tarot cards while we eat our choc ices.

She says I need to ask them a question, so, in my head, I ask if Tom from school fancies me. I pull out a card with a Sun on it. Nanny Pam tells me it means that love is on the horizon, but I have to read lots of books, wait ten years, and make her a coffee before it comes.

8pm

We watch Antiques Road Show. Nanny Pam always tries to guess how much the stuff is. Then when they reveal it, she say’s things like, ‘He’s had his pants pulled down there’. I think that in twenty years time, I’ll go on with my pig collection, which Grandad says should be worth at least £250 by then.

WIZARDY WAYNE

10am

I’m going to a party at the community centre. Sophie asked if I could come at school yesterday, because Zoe is on holiday, and Natalie broke her arm at Drayton Manor Park.

This is my first party of the year that has been outside my house, with people that aren’t just my Mum and Dads friends, and there is going to be a magician! It’s also fancy dress, which mum is annoyed about because she only has this morning to find an outfit.

12pm

I’m going to the party in my Halloween outfit, which is Wednesday Addams. I wear my long black velvet skirt and mum plaits my hair, then I put fake blood down my lips, because I had some that needed using up.

Mum tells me Tom’s mum said he would be at the party too. I say, 'I don’t care', but I do, because I want him to see me outside of school in my costume.

1pm

When I get to the party, I’m so pleased I’ve gone as Wednesday Addams, because everyone else is dressed as the Spice Girls, apart from Tom and Sam who are dressed as Noel and Liam Gallagher.

1.30pm

Wizardy Wayne asks if any one can tear up a packet of cigarette papers with their hands. I think Tom would really like it if he could see how strong I am, so I put my hand up. I can’t do it, and Wizardy Wayne laughs. Then everyone else laughs, even Tom. This makes me feel really hot and red. Wizardy Wayne says Abracadabra and tears them up himself.

All the other tricks are rubbish too. There are no rabbits or saws, and the best bit was when he tore the Yellow Pages in half, but that was just Sellotaped together.

3pm

Dad picks me up from the party and I tell him that I hate Wizardy Wayne, I hate Sophie and I hate everyone from school.

Dad says Wizardy Wayne will probably be locked up in a few years, and that he saw Sophie’s dad down the chippy, and he’s a miserable fat old fart, and that there’s no hiding from genetics. And best of all I can have Monday of school to help him dig clay from the brook for a sculpture he’s building. 

THE BURGLARY

9am

It’s Saturday morning and my sister, Jenny, and me are mixing a packet of coco pops and a packet of cornflakes together from the end of a selection box, so one of us doesn’t have to just eat cornflakes.

Usually at this time on Saturday we see our neighbour’s Kyle and Toby walk past the living room window. They are the same age as my sister, and me, and on Saturday mornings they go to Karate, Tennis and Scouts. Jenny and me see them walk past six times in total, because we are watching our programs on the T.V. by the window the whole time.

This week they don’t walk past though, because they have gone on holiday to Wales, and we are looking after their house.

11am

Mum and me go round to Kyle and Toby’s house to feed their cat, Mr. Percy, and open the curtains. I go up to Kyle’s room. I love going into to Kyle’s room when he’s not there, because usually I’m not allowed to touch his things.

In between the Blue Peter Tracey Island and Karate trophies on Kyle’s shelf, there is a rock band made out of eggshells. I swap the guitar and keyboard player around, and go back downstairs to stroke Mr. Percy.

2pm

I’m watching the end of my Aladdin video, when some men walk past the living room window with a T.V. and camcorder on top of Kyle and Toby's sofa. I think they must be back from their holiday early and that their mum and dad are getting some stuff moved.

5pm

Mum comes back from giving Mr Percy his evening meal, and I hear her say to dad that the neighbours have been burgled. I tell Mum I saw some men moving stuff from their house earlier and that I thought they were back from Wales. Mum says I shouldn’t ever tell this to Kyle and Toby or their Mum and Dad.

6pm

Jenny and me play You’ve Been Framed by going down the stairs on our mattress and pretending to video it; at the end of the game we get £200 of fake money from our toy post office and post it through our letter box.